Klaatu barada nikto
Alan Abelson in his "Up and Down Wall Street" column in Barron's writes, "Talk about great entrances! For investors, anyway, they don't make them any better than the memorable one staged by that precocious calendrical infant, 2008. That is, if you're an investor who happens to have a portfolio chock full of gold and overflowing with oil."
And if you have your investments aligned with the Fabulous Mogambo Portfolio (FMP), then he is talking about you! Gold! That's all you have! Gold! Lovely, lovely gold! And for the seventh year in a row, the FMP has beaten the piddly results of almost every other money manager in the world, but does The Mogambo get any credit, or even get somebody to make him up a lousy plate of nachos, like I'm asking so much of worthless kids laying around the house all the time? No!
I have to be content with making lots and lots of money as gold rises, instead of being given meaningless awards or being invited to appear on the television show with Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, so that they can tell me what an honor it is for them to meet me because what a freaking genius I am to have come up with creating the Fabulous Mogambo Portfolio Theory (FMPT) that has been kicking investing butt for seven years in a row now, the underlying theory of which is to own gold, gold mining stocks, gold ETFs, and marry someone who has a lot of gold fillings, gold crowns and gold dental bridgework, as a sort of portable store of gold, "on the hoof" in a manner of speaking, just in case you need to, you know, get out of town in a hurry again.
And after the introductions, I will look into the camera and say, "Thank you very much, Regis and Kelly! But to be truthful, in developing the Fabulous Mogambo Portfolio Theory (FMPT), I merely looked at the last 4,000 years or so of watching governments want to spend more than they could get out of the people, and finding out what happened when such governments got the bright idea of a way to create more money was to increase the money supply by making gold and silver coins smaller, or mix cheap metals in with the gold and silver in the coins, or to use paper money, or, in the ultimate example, make money the mere electronic storage of computer blips."
Then I will say, "And I will tell you, and the audience, and all the viewers at home who want me to sweep Kelly up in my arms and start kissing her all over, the Big Freaking Lesson (BFL) that is thus gleaned from those 4,000 years of economic history!" Then I will lean forward, all confidential and secretive, and say, "Come closer! Closer!" while lowering my voice to draw them in, lower and lower and closer and closer, until I suddenly and unexpectedly explode, "Buy gold! Buy as much gold as you freaking can! Buy gold when the government is creating too much fiat money, spending too much money, which is made possible because the banks are creating too much money and too much credit for someone to borrow, with which to buy the debt, which gives the government the money to spend!"
And then I will walk right up to the camera until my face is right in it, getting Little Droplets Of Spittle (LDOS) all over the lens as I hysterically shout, "We're freaking doomed! Don't you understand that, you stupid people? The Federal Reserve has doomed the dollar, and that means that you are doomed! It's Klaatu barada nikto all over again!
To allay the fears of the audience at home, watching all of this on their TVs, I will soothingly say, "Not Regis, of course, because he is smart and witty, and he can always get another job. And Kelly is not only smart and witty, but really hot, too, and I think I can turn her into a terrific porn star! We'll make millions!"
The worst part is that nobody will ever believe me when I say that I was on the Live with Regis and Kelly TV show because the episode will not be aired, and Kelly will never even return my calls about any of my great ideas for a whole series of terrific adult-themed films we could make in her backyard.
And it's too bad, too, although soon, nobody will need the money, as I am certain that there will be a massive fiscal stimulus very soon, which will probably be a replay of the "tax rebate" checks that Bush sent out to taxpayers right after being elected in 2000. I figure that $1,000 per taxpayer has just the right amount of desperation and panic, and gold will soar as a result of such blatant deficit-spending stimulus.
And Ambrose Evans-Pritchard of The Telegraph writes that I may be onto something here, and he says, "Bears beware. The New Deal of 2008 is in the works. The US Treasury is about to shower households with rebate cheques to head off a full-blown slump and save the Bush presidency."
The problem is the same one. Will it work? The answer is "no." Mr. Evans-Pritchard correctly says, "Not even a Bush New Deal can hold back the post-bubble tide that is drawing in across the globe".
The part that baffled me is when he figures that, "Fortunately for America - and the world - the US budget deficit is a healthy 1.2 percent of GDP ($163 billion). Washington has the wherewithal to fund a fiscal blitz."
This is where I laughed out loud, "Hahaha! The budget deficit is a 'healthy' 1.2 percent of GDP? Who told you that? I laugh a laugh, 'hahaha', of scorn that you forgot to check!"
I was hoping he would ask me what I meant by that rude remark so that I could tell him, "What in the hell has the budget got to do with how much the federal government spends? The actual spending deficit, from the government's own report of the Treasury Gross Public Debt, is up over $600 billion dollars from a year ago! There's your real deficit, dude! The budget itself is over $3 trillion freaking dollars, including the laughable budget deficit estimate of only 1.2% of GDP for the 'deficit'? Hahaha! Try 4% instead!"
Mr. Evans-Pritchard ignores me, and says, "Britain has no such luxury. Our deficit is 3 percent of GDP at the top of the cycle", to which I rudely say maybe it is just a matter of measurement, too! Again ignoring me, he says, even more provocatively, "Gordon Brown has shut the Keynesian door", to which I again say, "Hahahaha! I don't know who you have been talking to, but they are wrong, wrong, wrong!"
And I say this not because I love to hear the sound of my own voice, which I do, or how I have the power to charm with my Musical Mogambo Laughter (MML), which I don't, but because having a fiat currency and allowing insane levels of fractional-reserve banking in the slavering service of a huge, expensive, desperate, idiotic, bankrupt, corrupt government means that there is no such thing as "shutting the Keynesian door", as nothing could be simpler than to flood a country with government deficit-spending ("stimulating aggregate demand").
And when that government check hits my mailbox, brother, I'll show you exactly how giving people free money stimulates spending! Whee! Insanity in economics is fun! And it will be ironically profitable if you use the money to buy gold! Whee!
Jan 14, 2008