Breaking News:
Lehman To Be Acquired by Tooth Fairy
Author - Anonymous
Posted Sep 16, 2008
The market responded with enthusiasm
to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman.
The purchase price has not yet been determined and will be set
by Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times,
and being transported back to that magical place where Lehman
still sells for over $70 per share.
In related news, Lehman has
agreed to sell all of its level III capital, including CDOs,
ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, slightly used condoms, and credit
default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman's level III capital
will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who
will carry it off to Neverland to be fed to a crocodile.
Lehman is financing 90% of
the acquisition at an interest rate that has not been announced;
Tinkerbell's up-front payment consists of a handful of pixie
dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog.
Analyst Dick Bove estimates
that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three
princes and a pumpkin coach. The deal gives Lehman no recourse
to any of Tinkerbell's assets other than the Level III capital.
If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman's successor entity will stick
its hand down the crocodile's throat and attempt to get it to
regurgitate. The firm's historical value-at-risk analysis shows
that sticking your hand down a crocodile's throat is completely
safe.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson
issued a statement: "I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign
Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific
values represented by American financial institutions. As I have
been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis
is now over."
Meanwhile, the SEC has announced
an investigation of mean, evil, bad short-seller David Einhorn.
While out for a beer with a friend, Einhorn reportedly suggested
that the Tooth Fairy does not exist and that wishing upon a star
is not a wholly reliable price discovery mechanism. Christopher
Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, "Vicious rumors attacking
the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system
and indeed the American way of life depend on the Tooth Fairy
and wishing upon a star. How else could one value level III capital
appropriately?" The SEC is reportedly planning to set up
re-education camps for short-sellers.
Author - Anonymous
321gold Ltd
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